Do you notice your progress?

Whenever I coach someone I am always amazed of their progress. They grow as persons, develop huge amounts of courage, hope and grit, adjust their self image and expand their horizons. It always impresses me.

But it’s not as common that it impresses them. Most of the time, they don’t even notice their growth an progress.

I often have to remind my clients that they just weeks prior were terrified of even looking at someone they liked and now without hesitation can carry on a full conversation with them. Or that things that were scary to even thing about when we started now seems like nothing.

Of course it’s part of my job to point out these steps and remind my clients of their growth, and it is an important part. Because it can actually be a pretty big disadvantage to not notice your successes. If you make an effort and create a result, but never look back to see how far you’ve come, you might feel like you’re not moving. But you are. But can you see it?
progress

One tricky thing is that we are extremely aware of things that feel bad. If your knee hurts you will think about it all the time that it hurts. But when the pain stops you will not be constantly thinking about not having a bad knee, right? It might be only when someone asks you about it that you remember: “right, I used to have a bad knee!”

This is kind of the same thing. Of course you shouldn’t spend your days thinking about lost pains and aches, but every now and then, it might be a good idea to think about some of the problems you don’t have anymore – to remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

Because you have. And you should give yourself some credit for that.

Advice from friends – is it valid?

Most of my clients talk to their friends about their dating lives, and usually their friends want to help, so they give their advice. I hear a lot of “my friend said” from my clients when I coach, and usually I ask them a little bit about said friends love life, and if that is something that feels inspiring or relatable to my client. Usually it is not.

So what I hear, if I exaggerate a little bit, are things like:

“My friend who only dates bad guys who don’t treat her well told me…”

“My friend who’s been with his partner for 10 years said…”

“My friend who’s never had a dating problem in her life said that…”

No matter how much you love these friends, is it wise to take their advice? Can they help you?

The friend who only dates bad guys is obviously an expert in how to get treated badly, is that something that you want to learn? The friend who hasn’t dated in 10 years, how relevant is his advice? And the friend who’s always dating with ease, can she even understand and appreciate your situation? Or is it like giving expert advice to a beginner? If you’re struggling with walking, advanced running techniques are probably not what you need.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk or listen to your friends, I’m just making you aware of the fact that you may have very different points of view, and you need to take that into account.

Having an opinion is very easy, but giving helpful advice is something completely different.

Are you afraid of missing out?

reachI coach and talk to a lot of people who try to keep their options open. At least that is what they tell me.

They can say that online dating is probably a good way to meet new people so they keep doing it – even when it seems to not give them anything close to what they want or even feel like they want to be there. But what if the love of their life were to suddenly appear there? You wouldn’t want to miss that, would you? Of course not.

The problem is that, in this case, the decision to do online dating is based on a logical “should”, and the fear of missing something, rather than getting an actual enjoyment out of dating in that way. And sure, theoretically you could miss out on someone interesting if you left, but your chances of meeting and connecting with someone are so much bigger if you meet new people in a way that feel comfortable and in a place that you actually want to be. If that’s online – go for it! If it’s in clubs and bars – go there and meed new people. If it’s in your choir, at the gym or a cooking class, that’s where you want to be.

You are so much more attractive and approachable when you feel relaxed and happy and are where you are because you want to be there, not because of a fear of missing out!

One thing that people who think like this have in common is usually a sharp mind. Their minds convince them that it’s a “good idea” to keep all doors open – even the doors they don’t like. The interesting thing is that when I ask them about how they feel about their options, more often than not, they have a very strong intuitive clarity around what they want and don’t want – they just don’t follow it!

I can’t tell you how often I am in coaching sessions with amazing people who tell me with astonishing clarity exactly what it is that they want/like and not, but since they tend to listen to their minds more than their intuition they feel confused.

If this resonates with you, please give yourself permission to try “the other way”. Don’t do “the smart thing” if it doesn’t also feel good. If you don’t like bars, or strangers or online dating, don’t go out, don’t go on blind dates and remove your online dating profile (at least for a while just to compare). Instead, go to places that intrigue and amaze you, meet your friends friends casually instead of on blind dates, and flirt more in your everyday life – and see what happens!

Follow your curiosity and joy! Because if you don’t, that’s when you’ll really miss out.