What keeps us hidden, closed and excluded from opportunities in our love lives is usually fear. We don’t want to get hurt, it’s as simple as that. And even less dramatic than hurt, we don’t even want to feel embarrassed, anxious or nervous.
So we start to avoid persons, behaviors and situations that include even a small risk of that. Which, unfortunately, means that we also avoid the things that could lead to where we want to go. Because they co-exist in the same space.
You cannot choose “positive outcomes only”. Life does not work like that. You cannot just decide to learn how to ride a bike and refuse to fall a few times. You will fall, and then you will learn – and fall a lot less. It will be worth it, but you must say yes to the whole experience.
It is the very same thing in social situation. When you face your fears and start doing new things that you don’t yet feel comfortable with (more eye contact, going on dates, being vulnerable etc) you will feel a lot of things. Some of them will be unpleasant.
There is nothing wrong with that, it is just how life works when we try new things. Sometimes things in your life will be uncomfortable for a while. This is why it’s so important that you make a conscious decision to be ok with that. Because if you don’t you’ll pay a way to high price for something that will be even more painful.
I speak from experience when I say this. For a long time I rejected situations, people and maybe even life itself, because I did not want to feel certain things. I ended up being very alone with nothing but my fears and mindfucks for company. And that is when a realized that there is nothing out there that could be even close to as painful as locking myself up with my fears. Not even close.
So I decided to say yes. Even to the uncomfortable parts and decide that they are worth it. They are the “tax” I pay for getting to show up for all the wonderful parts. Sometimes I will feel rejected, shameful or stupid. It happens. It’s okay. I can say yes to that too.
Being openhearted, vulnerable and real is scary. For everyone. But the only thing that’s worse is closing yourself down.
So at least consider making a conscious decision to stay open. And say yes to all that comes with it.