Same same but different


I did a radio interview recently where the radio host asked be about similarities vs differences when looking for a partner. Should we try to meet someone who is similar to us or different from us?

My answer is yes. Yes to both, because it will strengthen the relationship in two different ways.

The similarities between you and your partner will create a foundation where you can connect, feel safe, understand and be understood. It’s also practical to share values and life goals (if only one of you want to have children or live part time abroad it’s definitely a challenge).

But then we also have the truth of opposites attract. Your differences, and the polarity between you will create attraction, playfulness, excitement, sexual tension and flirtatious connection.

The thing is that we want both of these opposing qualities in our relationships. We want to feel safe but not bored. We want deep friendship and interesting conversations and hot sex and passion. We want to feel excitement, but not fear.

If we only have (or know how to create) one or the other we end up with a friend or a lover. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that either, if it’s what you want.

But if it’s not, you need to understand the importance of creating both safety and excitement with the other person.

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